Hello. My name is
huiyi.
I've been blessed with wonderful friends, a perfect family and a rare boyfriend and I'm pretty much contented with my life. :)
The few months without school opened my eyes to a lot of things in this world that can't be bought with money, and I caught up with some friends,
lost contact with some others. But I'm still enjoying life as it is now. But i guess I'll be dreading the day school starts.
Right now I'm currently working as a tuition teacher with great kids that make me truly enjoy what i'm doing and makes my life a bit more fufilling than it ever could be.
And here, I just want to thank those who've made a difference in my life. Even those who has caused me anger before, becaues only it's only when i care for you that i can have such strong emotions towards you. :)
written at Sunday, June 07, 2009
it's incredible how you can just, know what i'm feeling through a whine. I'll try to remember what you say.
oh god, i don't know what to do
written at
I'm so frustrated.
Sometimes I hate the whole human exterior. Why do we have to express ourselves in words, actions, bodylanguage or even looks?! Why can't people just 'get you', or 'get what you're saying'?? I'm starting to borrow gs's acct to do some major snooping around the net during the weekends and damn it... I don't know how people can just look totally NOT like what they are. I just don't get it. Mayb it's just me, but I'm so freaking frustrated of being handicapped. I can't say how I feel properly, and I can't tell people how I feel most of the time. They just don't get it lor.
I've been trying to find ways to console myself that I'm enough that you know, after all, he'll still be beside me through thick or thin like we have been for the past 5 years. But i'm starting to doubt it now. If a plate of fresh oysters, or a table of man han quan xi was placed in front of you, would you still choose the bowl of porridge with salted eggs and preserved vegetables? yah, I feel like crap, I feel that I look even more like crap.
YAYAYA, facebook people choose the best photos to put up there, but my best photos aren't even anywhere close. You can say it's alll superficial, it's what;s inside and it's what's not seen that matters. But in this world of superficiality, I guess you have to be 'them' to beat them. I can put on loads of makeup if that's what makes me look better, I can use freaking 2mp cameras so blur that my face is hardly recognisable, I can even do the whole 'mouth in between peace sign' look, but it doesn't change the fact that everynight i look into mirror, I see myself, and i see him, someone whom I actually want to look naturally pretty for, someone that I wish was proud of me like i am of him(he claims he is though).
I want to have big eyes, sharp small nose, prominent cheekbones, long lucious eyelashes, dolly and voluminous hair and a figure to kill for, who doesn't? But I know it's all inside that matters. Everything comes from within. and everything that people give you, which cannot be measured by looks. friendship, love, care and concern. Family, trust. Money can't buy these. I have what the richest lack. Or so i like to believe, because that's the only way i can fall aslp tonight without crying.
beautiful soul?
written at Friday, June 05, 2009
Just came across a video on youtube recently addressing so called cowardly behaviour of annonymous hate commenters and she said something like, a beautiful soul is someone who thinks the best of people. Someone who's non-judgemental. If that's the case, I probably have a very ugly, deformed soul. Damn it, I judge alot. Every single person i judge, usualy negatively, and I realised it's becoming a habit. But recently, I've been so pissed off at everyone, I can't stand most people and I think the only person i love dearly is him and my mother. EVERY SINGLE PERSON IRRITATES ME.
I'm finally 19. And he's not around with me. Not sure what to feel but as i'm writing this i honestly feel like crap. I wish he that he is just beside me celebrating my birthday together with me. It's my first birthday in 7 years that gs isn't with me. that's like almost half of my life's birthday. I feel like crying cos every single minute i'm missing him and my heart aches everytime I feel like this PANG where i sudden intensely realise that he's not beside me. And will be in some stupid camp doing a stupid live firing.
The girls who have all got what they want should appreciate everything that they have got. Especially confidence and the capacity to love. I'm not sure if i'm fully equipped with both, maybe that's why I'm not the perfect gf for him. God, I miss him so so so much that there';s not a single soul i can tell..... i miss him.
happy birthday.
written at Monday, June 01, 2009
Had a secret celebration on saturday with my dearest. Sadly, he'll not be around on my bday itself, but I'm glad that I spent my day with him. It's the best birthday I've had in my life, even though I say the same thing every year :p
One year older, but in life, I'm still ridden with insecurities. I hate taking photos where I don't look any good. I hate looking like.. myself. Tired, worn out and (like every girl thinks) fat. Just feel sick and tired of not feeling like i'm..
enough. Even with his assurances, I can't seem to continue my facade of staying happy and jovial when i'm with him. Pretending that I'm actually enough.
Am I really enough?
Won't he need more than just plain old simple me?
One day, I believe that he'll grow sick of tasteless and bland food and opt for something more spectacular than me :(
Thanks for the agnesb wallet and the man tou :) I love them
