uni life
written at Wednesday, October 21, 2009
back again.
and usually when i'm back it's not something good. it usuallly means that i need someone around to talk to, someone to bitch about life to and in general to destress while i'm online.
Univerisity life is just not what i expected to be. I envisioned living a life that's carefree and workload-free, but the opposite's happening. Thought that I'll breeze through the next 3 years of my life unlike the previous 12 years, but it's so proving me wrong. Marketing is just crap because the prof hates us. the class feels sympathy for us, my econs prof think i'm using the 'too advanced' concept and loves to get me to present my tuts. The only thing that's going abit better is stats. even for OB i'm performing below expectations. I'm dead serious in sch. I can't mingle around anyone.
I feel like a donkey when I'm in school, awkward and stubborn and extremely stupid. :(
I'm just not myself recently. I want to appear happy but wtshit. i'm not. i can try to be, but ahhh, i'm just not comfortable where i am in that class :(
written at Sunday, June 07, 2009
it's incredible how you can just, know what i'm feeling through a whine. I'll try to remember what you say.
oh god, i don't know what to do
written at
I'm so frustrated.
Sometimes I hate the whole human exterior. Why do we have to express ourselves in words, actions, bodylanguage or even looks?! Why can't people just 'get you', or 'get what you're saying'?? I'm starting to borrow gs's acct to do some major snooping around the net during the weekends and damn it... I don't know how people can just look totally NOT like what they are. I just don't get it. Mayb it's just me, but I'm so freaking frustrated of being handicapped. I can't say how I feel properly, and I can't tell people how I feel most of the time. They just don't get it lor.
I've been trying to find ways to console myself that I'm enough that you know, after all, he'll still be beside me through thick or thin like we have been for the past 5 years. But i'm starting to doubt it now. If a plate of fresh oysters, or a table of man han quan xi was placed in front of you, would you still choose the bowl of porridge with salted eggs and preserved vegetables? yah, I feel like crap, I feel that I look even more like crap.
YAYAYA, facebook people choose the best photos to put up there, but my best photos aren't even anywhere close. You can say it's alll superficial, it's what;s inside and it's what's not seen that matters. But in this world of superficiality, I guess you have to be 'them' to beat them. I can put on loads of makeup if that's what makes me look better, I can use freaking 2mp cameras so blur that my face is hardly recognisable, I can even do the whole 'mouth in between peace sign' look, but it doesn't change the fact that everynight i look into mirror, I see myself, and i see him, someone whom I actually want to look naturally pretty for, someone that I wish was proud of me like i am of him(he claims he is though).
I want to have big eyes, sharp small nose, prominent cheekbones, long lucious eyelashes, dolly and voluminous hair and a figure to kill for, who doesn't? But I know it's all inside that matters. Everything comes from within. and everything that people give you, which cannot be measured by looks. friendship, love, care and concern. Family, trust. Money can't buy these. I have what the richest lack. Or so i like to believe, because that's the only way i can fall aslp tonight without crying.
beautiful soul?
written at Friday, June 05, 2009
Just came across a video on youtube recently addressing so called cowardly behaviour of annonymous hate commenters and she said something like, a beautiful soul is someone who thinks the best of people. Someone who's non-judgemental. If that's the case, I probably have a very ugly, deformed soul. Damn it, I judge alot. Every single person i judge, usualy negatively, and I realised it's becoming a habit. But recently, I've been so pissed off at everyone, I can't stand most people and I think the only person i love dearly is him and my mother. EVERY SINGLE PERSON IRRITATES ME.
I'm finally 19. And he's not around with me. Not sure what to feel but as i'm writing this i honestly feel like crap. I wish he that he is just beside me celebrating my birthday together with me. It's my first birthday in 7 years that gs isn't with me. that's like almost half of my life's birthday. I feel like crying cos every single minute i'm missing him and my heart aches everytime I feel like this PANG where i sudden intensely realise that he's not beside me. And will be in some stupid camp doing a stupid live firing.
The girls who have all got what they want should appreciate everything that they have got. Especially confidence and the capacity to love. I'm not sure if i'm fully equipped with both, maybe that's why I'm not the perfect gf for him. God, I miss him so so so much that there';s not a single soul i can tell..... i miss him.
happy birthday.
written at Monday, June 01, 2009
Had a secret celebration on saturday with my dearest. Sadly, he'll not be around on my bday itself, but I'm glad that I spent my day with him. It's the best birthday I've had in my life, even though I say the same thing every year :p
One year older, but in life, I'm still ridden with insecurities. I hate taking photos where I don't look any good. I hate looking like.. myself. Tired, worn out and (like every girl thinks) fat. Just feel sick and tired of not feeling like i'm..
enough. Even with his assurances, I can't seem to continue my facade of staying happy and jovial when i'm with him. Pretending that I'm actually enough.
Am I really enough?
Won't he need more than just plain old simple me?
One day, I believe that he'll grow sick of tasteless and bland food and opt for something more spectacular than me :(
Thanks for the agnesb wallet and the man tou :) I love them
SMU posting results
written at Tuesday, May 05, 2009
For the first time in my academic life I didn't get my first choice. And the feeling dam friggin sucks.
From primary school, I got into the school I wanted to get into. RGPS. Topschool. Rich school. Most importantly, my dream school. I admittedly didn't really work for it, it was sheer luck that I got in by relation (that my sis was an alumni). Then I got into RV, not exactly the best school, but still my first choice cos it's like a 5 minute walk from my house and it's a mixed school. Then it was HC, i barely got in with 8points thanks to my 7 points for prelim. Then out of pure providence and my freaking dutch courage to stomp into the humanities office, I go into HP, which was ofcos the ideal situation during then. I've gotten everything i wanted. Right from the very beginning. Even into an em1 pure class, when i was supposed to be in an em2 class. WHY DID I SCREW UP THIS TIME.
I'm just dam sad that this stupid admission exercise is hurting my ego so dam much. And for once I have to admit that i have this huge pride and ego buried inside myself that's causing this hurt. I keep trying to tell myself "i'll get into business sch, graduate with a kickass first class honours and beat the shit all of all the law students" but it's not enough. BUSINESS ISN'T MY FIRST CHOICE. It isn't about sadness, about not getting my passion or wdv, it's about my face/ego/pride. I may not really want to be a lawyer, but I think I would want to get it at my first choice at least. I'm sooo terrible.wanting to snatch away others' chances. But i want it so badly because it's so prestigious.
I think i've let this feeling lead me by the nose for too long. Too brand concious. And i think it's time now that i pour it all all, leave it alone, shut it out and move one. Life's too blooody short to care too much. ><
i miss you guys :(
written at Sunday, May 03, 2009
Haven't been blogging recently beacuse i've been feeling very slack~ Eating, sleeping and eating again. Haven't charged my digital camera's battery yet, so no photos as well. Boring right? But knowing myself, even with the photos i'll be too lazy to upload anything hoho.
I guess I statr with a small recount about our gathering on friday. :) Met Nengz, sihui, kylie, anyi and dominic for dinner at nengz's house, ate boontongkee chicken rice. Was a total yumz. wish I had all those photos of the food and everything, but to those who was there with me, mentally insert those photos here. Dominic bought cream puffs and eclairs for all of us from, get this, BEARD PAPA. I LOVE BP! I really didn't expect this from Dom, felt like I was a parasite lah, didn't bring anything for those wonderful people. Andrea was supposed to be with us, but somehow she didn't make it and it was pretty disappointing. I wish she was there with us. :( But we still had a good time. Seeing nengz's family did make me get this pang of jealousy. I want that too. haha, emo emo.
Saturday met gs and went to marina sq. Nothing much, just walked around there, browsing at clothes and trying on some, and then feeling too broke and walking out of the store. That's exactly the same routine i've been having these few weeks. I then told him this "I wish I don't have to think so much about spending money. I hate being so rational about money". totally true. But i hate feeling broke. I rather not buy something than to 'feel' broke. So, I missed topshop's 40% off 2nd item, AND Fox's 40% off 2nd item. AND FJ Benjamin's sale (30% off GAP, La Senza, and Guess to name a few).
AND to add on to this, I'm missing NYX's 50% off sale just because some stupid bitch on lj decided to be extremely rude. *warning, ranting ahead
I was going to order a bunch of things on cherry culture and I saw her payment calculation as "$3 (initial shipping)", obviously all spree organisers (note: decent ones!) would state how much per item usually, but this girl just put this there, prompting a few of us to ask "hi is this a flat fee or must multiply by the no. of items". I, (obviously!) had to ask and said "i'll like to know too because $3 per item seems like a lot" and she just had to reply rudely and say that "she didn't put /item and wonders why I would even assume that". SERIOUSLY! she could have just said YES. instead of that whole string of words which was evidently implying that i'm a retard. Mayb i'm too frustrated and sensitive about this but I've posting my dam friggin long comment on a spree post which suddenly closed and I am pissed and she only accepts NORMAL post. Which i find spree org who do that totally dubious. Totally out to kop people's spree loots. That's why totally no more normal mails from now on. it's jsut toooooo suspicious when my items go missing the MOMENT i don't do registered mail. I HATE NORMAL MAIL.
*rant over.
I'm so sorry for this stupid nonsensical post. But I promise i'll put some photos up soon.
I've just developed my overseas photo though, they've all got this totally cool vintage feel. :)
back from europe
written at Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I'm still recovering from the jet lag sadly. And I'm already missing what i call my 'europe spring skin' e.g perfectly none oily poreless skin. It's only 10degrees celcius in europe and the wind made my skin dry enough so that there's minimal oil accumulating in my pores and all of them shrivel up in fear of the cold. The hot water taps in the hotel that opens up my pores at night helps a lot in the cleansing department as well. My skin was like hell never better in my life. Better than in china where the air was damn filthy. oh well, back to the 33 degrees weather in sg (my mom said it was 35 the other day, are we melting or what?!).
Had a lovely talk with sihui just about an hour ago. I was telling her that I am going to slp cos severely jetlagged, but it's causing my insomia cos i slpt this afternoon for like 3 hours. Screwed up body clock :/ Missed the days we had in hc. even though i think i didn't treasure it enough and kept whining about it, but now that i'm an individual worker, as all tutors are, I really miss those huge gathering time outside the toilet cubicles, or while waiting for another late angmoh tutor. and i'm sorely anxious about my interviews and applications SIGH. another few months of terrifying dread. the next law interview for nus for da is in 11th may and i'll be worrying all the way till then. But still, the point is that i'm meeting them tonight (anyi + sihui) and i just want to let them know that i still love them even though i've been missing out on outings these few days!
More photos of germany,switz and paris in a bit!
